current position:Home>Dachang depression patient: I'm all right, just unhappy

Dachang depression patient: I'm all right, just unhappy

2022-02-02 17:48:37 TechWeb

source : Slightly larger reference /  Cheng Yi

No secondary reprint is provided

Tencent Tianmei studio's enterprise wechat , Within the group “ Li Xiaoyao ” The avatar will be permanently dark , Its user, Mao Nebula , Jumped from Tencent Kexing building last Saturday , Year only 30 Life at the age of , Write the end .

This is not the case , In recent years, more and more employees in large factories , Suspected of depression , End of life .

2018 year , An employee of Hikvision jumped from a building in Hangzhou headquarters and died . The company announced that , The initial suspicion was that it was caused by depression . This year, 1 month , Tan Moulin, an employee who has been employed for less than half a year , Ask for leave to go home , He jumped off a building the next day and committed suicide . Pinduoduo said he would investigate the cause of the incident , And open psychological and special emergency consultation channels within the company .

5 month , An intern in photon studio of Tencent Kexing building fell down , He wrote in his personal suicide note on Weibo , Since high school , You can't feel the joys and sorrows of normal people ,  It seems just 21 year , My heart died .

Last weekend , Also in Tencent Kexing building , The long hair nebula of Tencent Tianmei studio's engine group , Choose to jump off a building to end your life .

Relevant reports show , Depression has become the second largest disease after cancer “ killer ”. According to the World Health Organization 2019 Data released in 2004 show that , The total number of patients with depression in the world exceeds 3.5 100 million cases , The number of people with Pan depression in China exceeds 9500 ten thousand people , About every year 20 Million people commit suicide due to depression .

10 Years ago , Foxconn's 13 Continuous jump , Public opinion will the loss of these lives , Classified as the pain of assembly line workers , Those mechanized , The burden of working overtime beyond physical and psychological ability . And Foxconn's militarized management style , Treat people like machines , Non-stop , Repeat the same thing exactly .

however , When these big factory employees with decent jobs , When you choose to end your life , The outside world can't find out what the last straw that crushed their lives is ?

Murphy, the protagonist of this article, said , Depression is like someone putting a black plastic bag over your head , Give you a critical hit , You feel pain , But I don't know who the killer is .


The subway from Huoying to Xierqi is only three stops , Operation time 12 minute . Murphy encouraged himself to take the subway to work in the morning rush hour , It takes at least 20 minute .

From the stage of getting up , She resisted going to work “ Inner play ” It's already unfolded , from 8 spot 25 Point start , Alarm every 5 Vibrate once a minute , But it was not until the 8 spot 45 branch —— The last moment to make sure she's not late for work , Murphy will really sit up from bed , Turn off the alarm , Go to the bathroom .

Living needs as a migrant worker , Aroused her physical instinct that she should go to work , But the psychological twist continues . Sitting in front of the dresser , Murphy repeated to himself in his heart , Don't want to see anyone , I don't want to go to work . Actually , She herself knows , There's nothing to be afraid of at work , My colleagues are very familiar with it .

From last year 7 In the beginning , Murphy clearly felt that he was avoiding work and social things , Stuck in... Every day 10 Point into the company , I have to work at night 9 After the point . It's hard to focus , The longer the work is delayed . The working hours of each day have increased , The results are falling . The progress of the project she submitted in her monthly report , It's getting slower and slower .

The frequency of communicating with colleagues is also declining , Communication and docking are basically completed on the computer . At this moment, she is very grateful for her work in Internet enterprises , communicate 、 Reports can be done online , As long as she deliberately avoids , It can reduce a lot of verbal communication with colleagues .

But there are two things that cannot be avoided , First, lunch , The company has a canteen , So colleagues will meet at noon to eat in the canteen . Usually this is “ Be yourself ” The moment of , Colleagues can talk about new plays or variety shows , A new restaurant nearby , Make an appointment to go to the gym and other non work topics . But Murphy now feels like he wants to escape , She doesn't want to talk about herself , I don't want to hear others tell me about myself . She just wants to lie down , The brain is lying blank . To avoid having lunch with colleagues , She would pretend to have a job at hand , Eat later . This kind of escape can't be many times , Will appear to be too unsociable , And it's too late, and there's no delicious food in the canteen , She only uses it when she is particularly depressed ,

Another thing is the meeting , Weekly meetings , Become a difficulty in her work , She will suddenly say something , Just forget what to say next . At one meeting , Mention a product of the customer “ noodles with gravy ”, Murphy suddenly forgot the middle “ Brine ” How to pronounce words , In a hurry, she said “ hit zhen……”, Then she heard the whole meeting room laughing , The female colleague sitting opposite made a gesture of pushing the syringe with her hand , Laugh and tell her , to make an injection , Murphy, what do you think .

How about later , Murphy said she couldn't remember , She doesn't remember whether she cried , But she remembered everyone's laughter , Remember trying to run away from that room , But I can only sit there awkwardly , Waiting for the laughter to dissipate , Summon up the courage to go on with her plan .

Wait until last year 9 Month of the month , Murphy felt that his depression would not be temporary , Her symptoms are getting worse , Get up early before work , Sometimes she even sits in front of her dressing mirror and tears , In the time of applying liquid foundation. , See tears pouring out of my eyes , I feel very “ empty ”, Feel that everything is meaningless .

The feeling of depression is inexplicable , Without any reason or foreshadowing . Murphy asked himself what he was doing for ? She didn't know , But she also knows , Many things in life have not changed , What has changed is herself .


For nearly a month , Before Murphy goes to work in the morning , Want to cry . therefore , I saw that the diagnosis issued by the doctor said the results of moderate depression and severe anxiety , She was not surprised . It's as if you already know the result , It's just that someone helped you admit it at that moment .

The doctor inquired about his condition , The cause given is irregular work , High strength . Murphy works for an Internet company sales The job of , Flying people in the air , Travel at least once a week , There are three to five days , There are also those who need to go back and forth on the same day . Murphy usually catches an early or late flight , Tickets are cheaper , It's also convenient to go to the finance department for approval , And so is the leader .

I often work overtime on weekends , Just at home or at work . Two years ago. , Murphy's mother came to Beijing to see her , She was following up on a project , Work overtime every day , There is no time to take her to Beijing , Mom just stayed 7 God , Decided to go home early , Before leaving, I sent my mother to the station , Or her boyfriend , She has no time to see her off . Murphy knew that his mother was unhappy in Beijing , But she had no time to worry . She dare not slacken at work .

Murphy 28 He entered the enterprise at the age of , The average age of employees in Houchang village 26 The average number of years old , Not young . Follow up employees , Including the newcomers recruited by the school , Almost all have very bright resumes :985 school 、 Master's degree 、 Returnees …… The work of employees in large factories is to screw again “ screws ”, It's also a bunch of high-tech groups screwing the screws .

The Internet giant is equivalent to the Alumni Association of Haidian University . Get together in some departments , Or at the welcome party of new colleagues , Colleagues who didn't meet at work before , Talking and talking , Suddenly found that it was from the same school , A senior brother and sister , The distance between two people is pulled into a lot , The follow-up work is also easier .

But Murphy is not , She graduated from an ordinary college in Beijing , Not 211, Also not 985. Caught in a pile of highly educated groups , Murphy has her embarrassment . Compared with my classmates , She's doing pretty well , Compare with your colleagues , She's a little ordinary . Enter the factory 2 More years , No promotion . A three-year labor contract , It's about to expire , It's not clear if there will be a renewal .

Man to 30 I really feel the recognition of a person from the outside world , It needs to be scanned in all directions , education 、 Work 、 assets 、 Contacts, etc . When I was young, I felt like finding a decent job , Life is full of momentum , As we grow older , More and more things are needed , house 、 The car 、 Ticket 、 children , A little missing 、 Not even a step slower .

In dozens of sleepless nights , Murphy is thinking about these things , And don't stay in Beijing , Where do you want to buy a house if you stay in Beijing , Go to the second tier city , No acquaintances , How to start a new life , What will relatives and friends think of her leaving Beijing , After all, the work of big factories , Let her in the eyes of relatives and friends , With the halo .

And in Murphy's insomnia , She can always hear the next study , The sound of my boyfriend playing games , Shout teammates “ Go up , Go ”, Or the national curse after losing , And the sound of throwing the mouse .

Of course , Murphy thinks about this , Not too long , Depression makes it impossible for her to concentrate for a long time , Many times Murphy just wants to start , There is no thought , Open your eyes and listen to the sound of playing games from the study . Sometimes she sends a message to her boyfriend on wechat to ask him to keep his voice down , Later, the information was not sent , I can't sleep anyway , Why bother others .


After being diagnosed with depression , Murphy didn't tell anyone , The medicine prescribed by the doctor , She also put it in her bag , Secretly eating on the way to work .

She doesn't know how to speak , How to tell your family that you have depression , What is the cause ? What she can't say clearly , She didn't know .

She often asks herself why she is depressed , Is there any dissatisfaction with life ? Besides playing games , Be lazy , Nothing bad . There is no struggle between colleagues at work , Everyone is responsible for themselves OKR Things within , The leader did not PUA、 Workplace violence, etc .

Murphy's immediate leader is very generous . No public criticism of any colleagues in the group , They all called to the meeting room to say in private . People are also very patient , He won't say “ What should you do ” Similar to discourse with dominant and imperative nature , Treat subordinates' doubts about their work , Always listen patiently , Then make it clear step by step , Why do you need to do this project .

Once upon a time , Murphy doesn't want to be involved in a project . The leader called her to the small meeting room , Analyze with her how to win customers , The impact of this project on the Department OKR And personal year-end assessment will help .

Finally Murphy compromised , After work on Friday , Continue to sit in front of the computer , Knock out the plan to the customer . She was weeping as she typed , Silent tears , The station opposite the rightmost side of the same row , Another male colleague is also working overtime , Murphy doesn't want him to notice himself . On the taxi home , Murphy is also crying , Silently shed tears . She doesn't want to cry in front of a strange driver , But she couldn't hold back her tears .

After many years , Murphy recalled the moment , She felt that her body caught the negative energy of emotion before her mind , If she had noticed her emotional problems earlier , Intervene early , Will you stay away from depression .

however , Life has no if .

Even if Murphy didn't say , People around her will also find her changes . She's become less of a wearer , I don't like cleaning the house , This used to be her favorite thing to do , Don't like eating , More reluctant to eat out , I don't want to travel . Love of life , Away from her body .

Annual eleven and annual leave , Murphy and her boyfriend prepare travel plans , Often the holidays haven't come yet , The two of them have been in the mood of being impatient to play . But last year's 11 , Murphy cited the epidemic as a reason , Said he wanted to stay at home . Eleven period , Murphy lay on the sofa brushing his cell phone , Secretly watching teacher Zhang Jin 《 To cross 》, The page turns slowly , She can't read for long .

Depression also affected her reading taste , She used to like reading biographies , Chicken soup with positive energy , Like to see how others overcome difficulties , Solve the problem . After being ill , She was depressed about the content , It's easier to empathize .

There is a , Murphy heard the founder cat help catch more fish , Share the unhappy experience of working in leisure fish in the lecture , Said she didn't like the job , For a while , I cry every day before I go to work . That moment , Murphy saw herself in the content of cat help , however , She doesn't have the courage to leave her job and start a business . Murphy just asked for leave , Annual leave 、 sick leave 、 Please take personal leave , Once I didn't know what reason to find , Then said “ Cats who don't want to leave home ”, A reason that she felt was far fetched , But in OA In the system , The leader also agreed to . On leave , The leader didn't ask much , Murphy is grateful for that .

Actually , Cats who don't want to leave home , It's not entirely an excuse to ask for leave . But a true portrayal for a long time . last year 9 month , Murphy finally got a cat , Became a family with cats , Working away from home has become more difficult , She can't bear the kitten at home , It's so small , So cute .

Murphy wants to leave , But no confidence . she 28 When I entered the big factory at the age of , The beginning of work is from the three-year labor contract , Replace it with a six-year labor contract , And contracts with no fixed term of labor . There is a big factory atmosphere she likes , At ease , No one cares much about you , Because there are a lot of people , No one forces you to do anything , Because there are many cattle , Many people can do the same thing , There are many people waiting outside to come in and do the same thing .


After suffering from depression for nearly half a month alone , Murphy's boyfriend found her abnormally negative mood and sudden temper , At the table , My boyfriend is half joking 、 Ask her semi tentatively , Is it depression . Murphy couldn't hold on , Put down chopsticks. , Crying . My boyfriend didn't say much , Around the table and hugged her .

Since then, some changes have taken place in the family , Murphy can't find the knife in the kitchen , On the shelf in the porch of the living room , I can't find the scissors , As a result, every time she disassembles the express, she needs to use a toothpick to pierce many small holes in the tape , Laborious 、 Very irritable and pulled away . She told her boyfriend , Never thought of suicide , Never thought of it , The other party should bear , But what disappeared did not return to its original position .

My boyfriend has also changed , Less time to play games , Murphy goes to bed , He'll follow . Two people think about different things , Murphy closed his eyes and thought about the meaning of life , My boyfriend swipes his mobile phone to browse the content of depression care , Or watch Up Main game . Weekend entertainment also starts with two people eating out 、 See a movie , Into going to the hospital for Psychotherapy , Or participate in the psychological counseling activities of Beijing psychological crisis research and Intervention Center .

before , Murphy has always felt that her boyfriend is not very mature , Lack of responsibility . After being ill , Changes in boyfriend , Make her realize , Or give the other party a chance to take responsibility .

Depression “ side effect ” Step by step . After taking the antidepressant votioxetine hydrobromide , Murphy had an adverse reaction , Nausea and retching often occur .

last year 12 month , She wants to buy a serious illness insurance , But was refused by the insurance company , Because of her moderate depression and severe anxiety disorder . She was suffering from depression , To realize the fragility of health and life , Thought of buying insurance . however , The agent said that patients with depression cannot be insured for serious illness insurance and medical insurance for life , Not even if it's cured .

This year, 3 month , Murphy's depressive symptoms turned mild , Anxiety symptoms are also mild . She went through a difficult period . When things get better , Murphy felt more confident , She felt the negative emotions of her life , May have been consumed during illness . She took her depressive experience , As a 30 Age crisis , When she's not ready , Lost in the external evaluation system of middle-aged people .

however , When the contract expires this year , She received a notice that the company would not renew her labor contract . She finally left the factory .

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